My Soul is not a Supercomputer
This last year has felt like an emotional roller coaster. Only those who know me best know what has been going on inside me. To be honest, they only have a glimpse because I can barely describe it - but i’ll try.
Part of seeking well is that you wake up; not only to Jesus, but to the way he has designed you and wants you to live. For years I used to numb myself with the “next thing”; a bigger house, a nicer car, the next adventure… they were all coping mechanisms to fill the void in my soul. It’s like you know something is wrong but you can’t put your finger on it. But when you wake up, when you see things from His perspective, you are forced with a choice: do I ignore the truth? Or do I dive into the deep mysterious waters of the unknown?
What I’m describing is not the salvation experience. It is the experience of falling in love with Jesus in such a way that all you want is to simply be with him; to allow his presence to transform you and to do whatever he tells you (regardless of the cost). When Jesus says “follow me”, this is what he has in store for us. This is life to the full. This is the unforced rhythms of grace.
The last year has been a series of extremely deep moments with Jesus followed by the persistent noise of the enemy. I’m discovering that it has been hard on my soul. Surely I’m not the only one who experiences this, but I’m starting to wonder if I’m contributing to the noise.
My day usually starts off with silence; something I literally crave before my head hits the pillow. I’m so excited to get up the next morning because I know I'll get 45-60 minutes to just sit with Jesus. Sometimes he speaks and sometimes he listens - but he always shows up. Then by 8am I begin to hear the noise…
Ding-Ding. Click, click, click. Swoosh. Ring!
Double screens and an iPad; three email accounts, skype, zoom… and I haven’t even gotten to my iPhone. The onslaught of information thrown at me all day is insane! All day, every day something or someone is competing for my attention and is asking me to respond quickly. Click this, respond to that, buy my product... it’s too much.
(and I don’t even have a Facebook or Twitter account)
The world is asking me to operate like a supercomputer - to process all of the information thrown at me in real time, quickly evaluate and consistently make great decisions. Worse yet - the internet assumes that my brain is adapting to the speed at which technology now operates and that I can keep up. And for the most part my brain can… or so it seems.
But I’m discovering that my soul cannot. My soul is not a supercomputer. This tension is creating some combination of anxiety and holy discontent within me and I can no longer ignore it.
Following Jesus was never meant to be done at the speed that our world operates. I can’t just speed-read scripture, say a quick prayer, listen to the latest great worship song in the car and be captivated by Jesus. In fact, I’m coming to believe that the way the world operates is incompatible with the ways of Jesus.
Loving Jesus takes space. It takes unhurried time to be still and to listen. And I’m finding that settling in with him is harder to do when I try to keep up with a machine that expects me to operate at its pace.
Honestly, I don’t know what to do. I know that continuing the practice of Sabbath is a big part of the solution. But somehow it doesn’t feel like it’s enough.
So I’m simply writing this to continue the practice of vulnerability and to challenge you with the same truth that I am discovering.
My soul is not a supercomputer. Neither is yours.
As I sit with Jesus each morning, I'm asking a simple but dangerous question. “So Jesus, what do you want me to do about it?”
I dare you to take 30 minutes of silence this week to sit with this truth. May it stir within you a longing for something that you didn’t know existed.
Tim
